Monday, March 12, 2012

Where on Earth...

...have I been? Certainly not here in world for far too long.

And no, no one has really been asking :)

Prompted myself to revisit here, and share some feelings and thoughts, purely personal ones. Really mainly thoughts to myself, using the act of blogging to release them and thereby hopefully help deal with some of the feelings that churn around the inner.

How do you feel today? Elated, sad, angry, whimsical? I see plenty of all of that through Twitter, though not an insane user, I do like to feel I am keeping in touch (mainly with people who I don't really know or have ever met, dotted with some folk I do actually know), but that sense of keeping in touch at least serves to sate in a virtual way a certain sense of belonging to some kind of community.
I have to admit though I do not do community very well at all. Its not a natural or comfortable existence for me... never has been. You know that kid at school who was always getting into scrapes, not really joining in, on the sidelines... a little odd? Well hello, pleased to meet you... part of him still resides here.  I may even be officially anti-social. Blimey. Will have to edit this no doubt in fear of what others might think.... hang on, bollocks to that, this is me personal blog so I can say whatever I like... (types...edits...types...edits...types....)
Oh to really be able to say just exactly what I think / know / feel without other people being affected by it... thats not possible though is it really... so there you go I am not TOTALLY anti-social am I? (Rhetorical)

I have to admit today of feeling just a tad of loneliness, even what you might call feeling a bit sorry for myself. Don't want sympathy (maybe a little hug would be ok), just want to try to understand it and so begin to deal with it. They say a loner is not always lonely, and thats something I kind of believe, but even the loner sometimes gets lonely and can feel isolated, rejected, unwanted or needed.

Cue Roy O... "Only the lonely... know why..ay..ay.."

What do you do when those feelings rise within you? Where do you lay them out and inspect / whip them into submission? I guess thats where being part of a club / team / group thing... friends come in... maybe you give them a call, or get stuck in to something worthwhile that helps you out of that wee slump, somewhere where you can regain sense of your worth and feel part of the crowd.

What if that doesn't work, and you do actually get rejected from those oasis', maybe on a few fronts at the same time? Where do you go then? Introvert further into the self? Where does that lead?

Maybe its you. Maybe its me. The mirror doesn't always help does it?
Its good to look into it and sometimes say, "come on big man, pull your socks up.. move on" (with a bit of effing & jeffing for motivation of course..)

But I feel the need to look away from the mirror, out into the world. I see lots of things out there, good and bad, beautiful and terrible in equal measure, and its not always easy to 'make your gaze beautiful', however hard one tries.

So there I will leave it for the moment, no amazing insight or conclusion, just a few ponderings and questions, An open space to come back to...


1 comment:

Anonymous said...

Big john... i'm hoping you see this... woefully unrelated to your post, sort of!! Am in newcastle tonight performing, see, if u fancy popping along to be inspired with stories of occupation (!) It would be lovely to see you. If u can let me know you've seen this on karen (at) chalkstone dot co dot uk that would be great, or i will try and get your number from ancient emails if i get to a laptop before gig! Much love, Chalky xx