Where on Earth...

...have I been? Certainly not here in blogger.com world for far too long.

And no, no one has really been asking :)

Prompted myself to revisit here, and share some feelings and thoughts, purely personal ones. Really mainly thoughts to myself, using the act of blogging to release them and thereby hopefully help deal with some of the feelings that churn around the inner.

How do you feel today? Elated, sad, angry, whimsical? I see plenty of all of that through Twitter, though not an insane user, I do like to feel I am keeping in touch (mainly with people who I don't really know or have ever met, dotted with some folk I do actually know), but that sense of keeping in touch at least serves to sate in a virtual way a certain sense of belonging to some kind of community.
I have to admit though I do not do community very well at all. Its not a natural or comfortable existence for me... never has been. You know that kid at school who was always getting into scrapes, not really joining in, on the sidelines... a little odd? Well hello, pleased to meet you... part of him still resides here.  I may even be officially anti-social. Blimey. Will have to edit this no doubt in fear of what others might think.... hang on, bollocks to that, this is me personal blog so I can say whatever I like... (types...edits...types...edits...types....)
Oh to really be able to say just exactly what I think / know / feel without other people being affected by it... thats not possible though is it really... so there you go I am not TOTALLY anti-social am I? (Rhetorical)

I have to admit today of feeling just a tad of loneliness, even what you might call feeling a bit sorry for myself. Don't want sympathy (maybe a little hug would be ok), just want to try to understand it and so begin to deal with it. They say a loner is not always lonely, and thats something I kind of believe, but even the loner sometimes gets lonely and can feel isolated, rejected, unwanted or needed.

Cue Roy O... "Only the lonely... know why..ay..ay.."

What do you do when those feelings rise within you? Where do you lay them out and inspect / whip them into submission? I guess thats where being part of a club / team / group thing... friends come in... maybe you give them a call, or get stuck in to something worthwhile that helps you out of that wee slump, somewhere where you can regain sense of your worth and feel part of the crowd.

What if that doesn't work, and you do actually get rejected from those oasis', maybe on a few fronts at the same time? Where do you go then? Introvert further into the self? Where does that lead?

Maybe its you. Maybe its me. The mirror doesn't always help does it?
Its good to look into it and sometimes say, "come on big man, pull your socks up.. move on" (with a bit of effing & jeffing for motivation of course..)

But I feel the need to look away from the mirror, out into the world. I see lots of things out there, good and bad, beautiful and terrible in equal measure, and its not always easy to 'make your gaze beautiful', however hard one tries.

So there I will leave it for the moment, no amazing insight or conclusion, just a few ponderings and questions, An open space to come back to...

bj

Dear Friends...

Twice in a week! Never on a Sunday :)

2 blogs from me and 2 songs that absolutely reached where I am at in the world.

First, earlier in the week, the divine Kate Bush came along with a re-working of her track "Deeper Understanding' from the upcoming new album 'Director's Cut'. Lyric and tune just perfection.
Then comes along into my worldly gaze this song by the awesome Guy Garvey and Elbow - 'Dear Friends' from their new sublime album 'Build A Rocket Boys'.

Someone once told me that they thought all the great songs had already been written.

Here is living proof they were wrong. One of THE great songs..

(I feel the need to post the lyrics and tune... 'You are Angels and drunks, you are Magi...')


"Dear Friends"
(words and music by Guy Garvey and Elbow)

Dear friends
You are angels and drunks
You are magi

Old friends
You stuck a pin in a map I was in
And this is a note for a road sign

Cuttin' the breeze in this tennesee sundown
Came the sounds of the voices I know
I've been pondering trees
On the steeliest come down
And now a moment I'm home

I've got bluster enough
For the sails of a clipper
And the truth never frays a good yarn
But it struck me to say while so far away
You are with me today
You are here are in my head, in my heart

Dear friends
You are angels and drunks
You are magi

Old friends
You stuck a pin in a map I was in
And you are the stars I navigate home by




Elbow - Dear Friends

Deeper Understanding

Hello. I know that you've been feeling tired.
I bring you love. And deeper understanding.

Turn, Turn, Turn

Yesterday saw me in church. Sadly it was for a funeral, for my Auntie Hilda, who passed away last week. I haven't seen her for many years, or indeed many of the family who attended the funeral. It was very moving, a beautiful eulogy was read out by her daugther-in-law Susan.
"She was a proper old fashioned mam" kind of summed up a beautiful, yet I guess at times often a hard life. I remember her laugh and the love she had for her family, even extended family like myself.
I remember playing there as a kid, and was amazed by how memory remains and returns of such long ago events. The wake afterward at the local Cricket club also stirred up memories,gazing out of the window into childhood misty territory.

It was there also I approached the Minister who conducted the service - Enid Gordon. I know her from her Palestine campaigning work, and we spent a good half hour discussing that situation, she has spent the last 40 years on that and other good works campaigning for justice, a true inspiration. She did a talk at Greenbelt 2 years ago which was very moving, she simply tells her story, and the stories of the people at the heart of injustice, and tries to move others into action and do something about it. Making it relevant to them is the toughest call. Getting over the 'what has it got to do with me' line...
We talked about last weeks Louis Theroux show on the BBC and shared the unbelievable outrage we both felt about how so called Christians can possibly be so misled and misguided into supporting so strongly the Zionist bullshit ideology in the ways that they do.

I also was touched by her reading at the service, which came from the Book of Ecclesiastes - when she started reading the words, I thought "I know that song!" Sure enough I did, albeit an updated reworking of the words by The Byrds. ' a time to keep silence, and a time to speak' especially rang true.

divestment

wow. 3 months since last words here. Not felt the need. Apologies to you if you do read this blog, (I am pretty sure you are out there somewhere:), you are valued and I appreciate any comments or feedback to the waffle I create.
A number of personal changes here since last blog, though not able to write much, all in time...

I did begin writing a book recently, a kind of part memoir and part fiction story about my adventures within a certain little festival over 20 odd years (some very odd...) - 2 chapters done and goal is to finish in a fashion this year sometime. May publish some snippets here to get some feedback, let me know if you would like to read some of what I got so far.

Quite a few gigs with a new band in last couple of months, the old Bass guitar is getting a nice work out of late and I am really enjoying getting back into playing live, hopefully some more news on that front coming up, if and when I get go ahead to shout it out...

Decided to divest myself of the social networking thing for the time being, Facebook and Twitter dumped, found myself getting sucked in too much and decided time for a break on that front. They both have their value and can be great ways of communicating, and news-gathering but they can also be a right pain in the posterior. Sometimes its good to take some time out from certain areas of online life (and thus maybe get some real life time back in return?)...
Also hitting the old Fleabay in an attempt to keep the fatlad boat afloat financially, just trying out new iSale software for mac in past few days, and seems to be a good way of listing stuff relatively easily and smartly.
Speaking of which, the camera is charged and its time to get creative....

'we need a chat'

so I turned off the sounds, and lay down in the dark, and said, "hey, we need to chat".
"ok" was the reply
I thought about what i wanted to say, and began, as I often do (but not nearly enough), by giving thanks for all things.
for family and children
for relatively good health
for opportunity
for talents gifted...
"so", I said "the rest is pretty much up to me then?'
"pretty much" was the reply from a place so close I spend most of the day and night overlooking.
right from the head-centre. or was it the heart? from soul-beyond - yet soul-within.
"ah" i said. "thanks. which way do I throw this heart then?"
"throw it right over here, and start running, lad." comes the reply.

arm engaged, ready to hurl.
 
"throw your heart out in front of you and run ahead to catch it"
(Arab proverb heard in the movie Cemetery Junction)

To You / Love Will Tear Us Apart

To You Love Will Tear Us Apart by bjaudio

Inspired by the poem 'To You' by Walt Whitman (1819-1892), mixed with an acoustic guitar heavily effected and the tune of 'Love Will Tear Us Apart' by Joy Division as a response to the poem's verses and chorus thingy.

#gb10 - Why I Wasn't Excited...

(or, why I wasn't as excited as I should have been, but still was a little bit excited really).

Well, I managed to keep me trap shut until Greenbelt Festival 2010 has come and gone (almost), out of respect for the fact it can be a very tense time in the run up and preparations, and genuinely did want to add any perceived negative vibe to something many folk hold so dear. Including myself.
But its time to get out in words how I feel about my current relationship with Greenbelt, without vitriol or malice, and hopefully with some honesty. Stuff I need to get off my chest. Because I do give a shit.

I have been following online the vibe, photos, videos and blogs this weekend, and much delight to see weather has been pretty darn good, and huge amount of positive stuff is emerging content-wise. For the festival punter it looks like a great success, which is fantastic, numbers look very good too which will please Business & Finance no end (wonderful humans :)

So why am I being old grumpy-drawers? Well I'm not really.... I can be. Huffy bastard if you really piss me off. Today I am not Mr Grumpy though.
I think I am learning through time that Greenbelt really is not just one entity. It is sooo much more...
Its more about relationships and collective mini groups of people, and individuals, coming together in a kind of modular way to create something incredibly special, Unique is a term over-used, but greenbelt is most certainly unique in its' make-up when it comes to any festival (or other organisation for that matter), I have ever come across.

With every organisation, for it to succeed, it has to have people who make decisions, otherwise things would never get done. Brilliant ideas would forever just whirl around like gas, and eventually disperse into what-could-have-been...

I think one of the reasons that Greenbelt has lasted so long, and made it through good times and bad is that it has always come through by appointing good decision-makers in key areas. What I suspect these folk have been able to do well over the years is to allow growth and encourage 'ownership' of the festival right down to its' grass roots level. The Punter, the Volunteer, the Worker, the Trustee - all have assumed ownership of parts of greenbelt and this is the heart of its existence. Every individual or small group naturally wants to pull the festival as a whole towards where they are coming from, but the trick is, or seems to have been, for the Decision Makers to assist the balance of the mix of every part and thus instead of pulling itself apart Greenbelt historically has been able to draw together the whole.
I am sure that over the years many wrong decisions have been made, but overall the fact it is still around, and flourishing, tells one that inherently, the mix has worked. Most of the time :)
 
So its the decision making process that makes or breaks. Note the word process.

Top Down or Bottom Up.
Both can work.
Top-down - corporate, business-like, professional, manager-led.
Bottom-up - community centered, emerging from, group-led.

It is my assumption that historically Greenbelt has been the latter, but it seems that this has changed in recent years moving away from that philosophy and crept up towards the more Top-down approach in its decision making process.
Has that been a Trustee-led (who are ultimately responsible for the overall direction and mission for GB) active decision to go that way? I am not sure. Knowing some of them as I do, I would think that would it be unlikely. But viewing things from my perspective primarily as a volunteer, this is certainly the direction that the decision making process is heading. Or even has already arrived at. Evolved into.

It is clear to me that now, all decisions on any ideas that come forth through the grass roots now have to go through the Top-down led channels before they can proceed. Trouble is with GB being what it is, this means a very small number of people have to deal with a very large number of ideas.

Log-Jam.
So what if you have little or no relationship directly with the Decision Makers, yet have the most brilliant idea ever, the skill to carry them through, and would like to offer these up to add to the melting pot. Well, get in the queue. You might get lucky and the idea may find its way through, but only if it falls into line with what the Decision Maker has already decided, and only if they have the time or inclination to actually address your fabulous scheme. Or you just happen to be very good mates with them... (this is not always a bad thing of course, we all need close friends who we can talk things through with and listen to, but one must always be consciously aware of perceived cronyism).

The danger with choosing (or evolving into) the Top-down led style of organisation is that now what has been traditionally a grass roots culture suddenly coming up against the bottleneck of backed-up, stuck ideas and beauty-filled-notions-awaiting-decisions. At best, this way of working with something like Greenbelt (is there anything like Greenbelt?) can only serve to slow down and stifle and at worst become an absolute killer for creativity, inclusiveness and participation.
Also, it puts a massive amount of pressure on those who find themselves in the Decision-Makers role. My feeling is what that could lead to (if it hasn't come into being already) is the creation of and 'Us and Them' setup, whereby Decision Makers withdraw into authoritarian behavior and self-preservation and those awaiting decisions, or those who have had decisions made that they do not like or agree with left feeling completely devalued. Not a recipe for healthy growth.

I do have some thoughts and ideas as to what an alternative infrastructure might look like, but still in formulation and may find their way on to these pages soon... or they may just fade away...

So this is my gaze over greenbelt currently,. Trying to make that gaze beautiful, but not willing do so through rose-tinted spectacles. I have never been afraid to tell it how I see it, so i ain't going to start now, and am aware that expressing these opinions may not go down too well with some. Tough titty.

This is not what I want Greenbelt to be. I want it back. If I have to steal it then call me Robin Hood. I don't wish to keep it, because I know that it does not belong to me exclusively. I belong to it.
Her. We are lovers and we have had a strop, and thus she is spending the weekend at her Mothers'. I did call around to check She was ok, and outwardly She is having a wail of a time on the Town.

I hope that deep inside though She hurts as much as I do, and secretly looking forward to the kissing and making up part as much as I am. This time though, I am going to wait a while to allow Her to make the first move.

Love you honey xxx

Some of My Favourite Things

I am currently listening to last nights U2 360 show in Helsinki, courtesy of the avid and intrepid fans out there who record (with great quailty) each and every gig the band do - and - I am uplifted greatly, and reminded of a word that has been eluding me somewhat of late. Mission.
Space mission, vocational mission, spiritual mission, musical mission... its all out there awaiting discovery. One needs to just begin the journey, or re-begin it, by standing up and putting best foot forward.
I do like how the U2 musical quartet keep finding me with their music, lyrics and vibe.

Like just now out of the side door, weary a bit and unexpectedly. I found them again just when I wasn't looking. Or listening. Am now though :) Blooming marvelous.


I just joined a great North East England band myself in the past month or so, and that has lifted me up so much in many ways. Off me fat arse not being least of them...
We have been rehearsing here at fAtlad studios and making some wonderful noise ourselves. Whilst not running away with myself with over-expectations too early, its a great natural feel and sound and vibe playing and hanging out with these guys of late. My kids well love it too, definite family and community thing going on here I hope grows and flourishes. Plenty of hard work ahead in that department, but with that strong wind at our backs, and a rising road, you know, as they say God willing, Let it Be...

The band is called Opas and you can check out some rehearsal sounds, and earlier recordings (before I came aboard), over at our Facebook Page 
Work has also begun our our own website, all very exciting stuff as we prepare for the upcoming live gigs in September. Watch this space...

Addendum

Should have added in last blog post, biggest dickhead I know of course can be me. Should have made that clearer. Was not pointed at anyone in particular and apologies in order if that seemed the case.

Probably just shouting out at some inner demons and must be aware in future that can cause external whiplash to others beyond deserved proportion.

With Melancholy

In melancholic mood right now. The aftermath of a right old shout-at-the-universe afternoon.A culmination of experiences of an alike-ilk can bring that on in even the most laid back and care-free soul.
I think we get most angry and pissed off at the things that we really care about the most - when they don't go to plan or let us down in some way.
It is a skill I am still learning how to master - these uber-feelings of intensity.

Things that hurt, things that re-cut the wound that has not healed properly in the soul.

Its good to have a good old curse and swear periodically (I find it better in a soundproofed room but hope that doesn't turn one day into a padded one...). One needs a place to vent. To let go.
Some of the greatest Art surely must have been born out of the creative channeling of such powerful emotives.

So when one cares deeply about something, or someone, I say I am quite happy within my own acceptance that some folk can be absolute dickheads, its just sad when they have too much control in some way over something one is involved with, and one is powerless to counter the dis-empowerment that creates for oneself.
I say the prayer: God grant me the power to accept the things I cannot change, Change the things I can, And the wisdom to know the difference'. That helps me. Try it, it may help you too.

So, I retreat from this battle even further and find myself stronger for that. But as melancholy as a blues song in my thoughts and reach for understanding. There will be a future time when today will ring out like a liberty bell - the tone and sweetness of which will ripple with perfect mathematical elegance through time and space. My soul has a tear, a rip. You cannot see it except through my eyes. They look upon you beyond what is visible. I feel it in my guts.


Short version: empower the disempowered. give back what is not yours to take, take what you are offered always with gratitude and never let it go to your head and thus impart sufferings however small on other good and kind souls.

Don't Let The Bastards Grind You Down.